Lessons in Leadership XVIII – Self Control
Self Control is an action which we usually consider a gift that someone can have in order to succeed in life.
Although it seems to be a great way which can be used to deal with conflicts and arguments, self control could also become a wrong way of expressing what one’s personality is. Imagine that you are in a middle of an argument with another one who is trying to show you as a weak person and tries to show your weakness in front of others who are watching you and him discussing a certain matter. The natural reaction which your instincts will ask from you to do is to attack the one who argues with you by doing the same he or she is doing.
The whole argument will become a kind of competition between the two sides to prove who is right not on the basics of true facts but instead by trying to turn the audience on the other side. Self control is considered a better way in winning an argument by simply trying to avoid any kind of natural reaction which we are supposed to do once our mind asks us to do it. The mind tries to protect us from any danger including the one of showing us as weak and it does this by finding an action which it learned from the past or others who affected on our personality since we were children: parents, community, instincts and other effects. Some consider the ability to control our self a kind of skill which not all of us have.
The ability to control our feelings and prevent ourselves from listening to our mind requires a great power and confidence in us. The misuse of self control could cause a wrong behavior which will not express what we really feel. What we need to do is change the database which our mind uses. We need to find out what is the best reaction which we should use in order to succeed, achieve, take a risk sometimes, and of course protect ourselves. It is not that we want to become completely without any protection which we need and gain from our instincts.
We only need to change certain behaviors which can be replaced with other ones that can bring us more satisfaction. We also need to learn how to direct our instincts instead of letting them control us. This process needs training and an ability to trust yourself since the mind will always try to fight any kind of new information which you may try to consider a new database for your reactions and behavior. It is not easy but it is one adventure which you would like to go through.
The outcome is that you will become the same person you were but with many more skills which will help you to enjoy your life, succeed in places which your mind always considered a failure in the past, and taste things which you prevented yourself from because your mind considered it….a threat. Self control is one of these skills which you will gain. However, even self control must be learned in a different way from that which we learned in the past. Sometimes we are taught that we need to control ourselves from doing many things and we end up by believing that it is better to control ourselves and prevent any kind of emotional or behavior reaction. This is completely different from what Self control means and can get for us.
What you need to learn is the way to become skilled enough to know when you need to control yourself and when not to do so and act as your heart and emotions tell you. For example if you control yourself in an argument in order to create a kind of communication with the other side, the result will be that the other side will become more opened to accept what you are defending or consider right. At the same time you will also be opened to listen to others and think of what they are talking about so you will be learning and teaching at the same time. Most of our conflicts happen because of our belief that we are right and all the others are wrong.
We continue to say that we are right and they continue to say that they are right…they could win the argument today and we could win the argument tomorrow and the circle will continue but will there be any kind of improvement to find a closer understanding between us and them? Certainly no. Therefore, try to use skills such as self control in order to open bridges with those who are different from you and then you will succeed in convincing others to believe in you. Remember to protect the essence of who you are and the intention which makes you fight for your cause…we do not want to change this but what we want to do is to use any available method to send your message and be sure that at least someone else will receive it.
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